Dear Kia, who is not afraid,

What does your world look like right now? Have you made your peace about not needing to know how it will all work out yet? Has the constant weighted dread of the future lifted from your shoulders?

I find myself always wishing and hoping for something better to happen in my life. I’m constantly torn between wanting stability and needing freedom to explore my softness. I thought that chasing the typical American dream: a stable 9-5, money in savings, and implementing so many fucking routines, would mean that I would feel like a useful and fulfilled member of society. That I would be closer to living the the life of my dreams, becoming the woman of my dreams. But I have never felt so exhausted…so… alone before. 

I’m not sure who I am right now. There’s been so many life changes lately that I struggle to keep up sometimes. Everyday I wake up and I’m forced to participate in a system that only looks at me as though I’m a number. Because I have bills or debt to focus on. I have to put myself last in order to ensure my survival. My humanity is constantly questioned and never considered by the one person I needed in my life. I feel so stuck amd I can’t see how life could be how I want it to be. I get lost in my worries about the future. But I worry the most about the past and how I’ve punished myself for so long over mistakes I made when I was younger. I still hold the shame and the guilt for not being enough for myself. For not protecting myself when I needed to. I try to practice it but forgiving myself has not come easily. 

I’m not sure what I thought life would be like when we were 18. Part of me knew I wasn’t ready to face the world. There was so much I’d never gotten to experience as a kid or a teenager. Some of my harshest lessons came from being sheltered and being in for a rude awakening. Even now as an adult woman, I try to figure out my place in the world but I’ve come to the problem of not being able to trust that I know the answer. But deep down I do know, I’m just afraid to go near it. 

How can I tell the world who Kia is and I don’t even know who will accept me or embrace me as I am? All I have is a disillusioned life; giving me no choice but to give in to unrest and despair as I worry about my survival, trying to understand what it truly is that my soul needs. 

Things seem a bit bleak. I won’t lie. All I can hear is the sound of our mother’s voice in my head. Judging me. Criticizing me. Guilt tripping me for daring to want to be free of her and owning my autonomy. I feel like I’m trapped in a mental prison.  And I’m trying my damn hardest to break free but I’m shackled to everything that could have been.

But maybe writing this to you is the beginning.

Maybe reaching for your comfort and understanding is how I will truly heal.

Someday soon, I’ll find a way to you.

Please don’t forget about me.

Love,

Kia who is afraid ♥️